Just a Glitch in My Brain

The pit in your stomach, the feeling that you are about to throw up. You can’t move.
You feel like the whole world is moving and you are frozen.
The feeling of emptiness inside you. Your hands shaking, it’s sickening to move. Your whole body sweats, and you are pale. That’s what I feel like.
I just sit in the shower because I am too weak to stand. I am always wondering,”Is all my homework finished? Is the door locked?” *check,check,check,check,check,- check* I always check 6 times.

My hands are dirty, I need to go wash them.
My hands are so dry from always washing my hands, it hurts to move them.
Uh oh, I had an upsetting thought, better re-do what I was just doing. My OCD is like another person in my brain, telling me what to do.

Talking about my anxiety to counselors. One of them, Leslie, telling me my OCD is just a little glitch in my brain. That everyone has glitches and this is mine. I keep telling myself that. It’s just a glitch in my brain.
I feel like my life will never be the same again, and that I will always be like this. Always having thoughts running through my head. Doubts, questions, being unsure about everything, always asking myself “What if?” What if something bad happens to me today?
My family?
What if there is a fire tonight? Better go check the things that are plugged in. What if someone breaks in? I better go check the door again to make sure it is locked. Aghhh! My mind won’t stop! These thoughts are so upsetting! It’s just a glitch in your brain.

My mom helps me.
I feel like I am just a burden to her and my family.
My mom tells me that I am never a burden to her or my family. She takes me to Leslie. I tell her all of my upsetting thoughts and my compulsions.

She says, “It’s your OCD putting these thoughts into your head, and causing you to do this compulsions. It’s just a glitch in your brain.”

All I can think of is that this will never get better. My whole life is going to be like this.

I hear that I have an appointment with Leslie. Anxiety starts to build up.
My OCD suddenly gets worse. It’s just a glitch Addy, don’t let it control you!
Leslie keeps telling me that I am the bigger person, and that I need to take control of my OCD, not the other way around. It’s so hard though. It feels like someone is yelling at me inside my head, commanding me to do things.

I look at other people.
Look at how happy they are, they can go about their lives without having to do things a certain number of times, always checking, and doubting themselves!
I wasn’t like this when I was younger. Why is this “glitch” showing up now?

One day all of my stress and anxiety exploded like a shaken can of soda. I ran to my mom, I felt so sick, and weak. I could barely move.
Growing up, I had stress and anxiety about things. I could handle it, sometimes I would go talk to a counselor for help, but on this certain day it got really bad.
I had a hard trial ahead of me.

My counselor and parents tell me that I’m going to have OCD my whole life, and I am learning ways on how to handle it. All I can think of is that I am never going to get over this. It is too controlling.

This is a secret of mine.That no one really knows about except my parents.

Whenever I was stressed out, I would listen to Christmas music. It was one way for me to get my mind off my OCD and be happy. Now whenever i hear Christmas music, I can only think of that rough time in my life.

After the worst 3 years of my life, I finally have my OCD under control.
I never thought that I would.
After learning and starting to apply the tools that I learned, I faded from going to
Leslie. I wanted to try and figure it out, and I did.
I overcame my OCD.
I still have it today, but it isn’t in control of me so much. Sometimes it gets bad, but not often. I go and talk to my mom for help and I dig deep, and realize that it is
trying to control me again.
It’s just a glitch in my brain.

I can go throughout my days now, and get things done. I’m not having to be constantly checking, or wondering “What if?”
I have come to the realization that my OCD is a part of me and I have accepted it.
It’s just a glitch in my brain.

Addy is a freshman at Salt Lake Community College and hopes to become a dental hygienist one day. In her free time, she loves to swim and be with her family and friends.